Climate Change Moves Hawaii’s Waves To Texas

(Honolulu, Hawaii)—Scientific models predict surfing mecca to be relocated To Texas’ shores and Gulf of Mexico by 2050 as weather patterns shift from effects of climate change. Surfing culture ponders the rise of the ‘Redneck Surfer’.

Something strange is going on in the Pacific Islands and especially North America’s most popular island tourist destination—Hawaii. What has long been known as the world’s premier surfing destination, credited with being the sport’s birthplace, has been experiencing a dramatic change in oceanographic activity for this summer season of 2017 and residents all around the islands, and especially on Oahu’s North Shore have been buzzing about what many are describing as the worst summer in the island chain’s memorable surfing history.

Surfline's surf report and forecasts for Hawaii have been showing much the same thing for the entire summer of 2017. FLAT.

Long time North Shore resident and retired surf board shaper, 72 year old Al Schiffer, struggles to recall a more dismal summer for surfing, “I just can’t, you know as far back as I can remember—even in the 80’s it was never this bad.” He scratches his head and breathes a sigh of resignation, “There was always at least something, but this summer…I feel bad for the young guys! I’m old and have enjoyed my share of waves.”

Oahu's Sunset Beach. Waves like these may only be distant memories of how Hawaii's North Shore used to be.

What many people, long term residents like Mr. Schiffer and others, don’t realize is that what they are witnessing is the beginning of a startling weather pattern that climate change models predict will take the very storm systems that have traditionally made Hawaii one of the best places for consistent surf and move those into what scientists are calling the New West Bermuda Basin, an area of ocean that connects the Atlantic Ocean with the Gulf of Mexico. This will make shores along the west coast of the Gulf of Mexico, and specifically Texas, prime locations for consistent, year-round, high quality surf.

Pupukea local and aspiring surfing professional Kaimani Smith had this to say about it:

“The thought of some redneck guy in Texas yelling, ‘Yee-Haw!’ as he’s pulling into a tube at their version of Pipeline while we’re here dealing with this makes me sick to my stomach to be honest. F— climate change.”

Texas local, Tucker Johnston, on his farm.

But not everyone thinks it’s such a bad thing. We phoned Texas local and 35 year old cattle farmer Tucker Johnston to hear what he had to say about the possibility of his State’s shorelines being transformed by climate change, “I always wanted to try ride’n them breakers! I mean, I heard them undertows are killers, but it can’t be worse than ride’n a bull with a fistfull of skeeters chompin’ on yer a—!”

We went on to discuss possible effects on farming as well as popular terms in surfing culture. He correctly commented that the term “Dude Ranch” could have an entirely different meaning.


DISCLAIMER: This article is intended for entertainment purposes and is not intended to be regarded as factual information in anyway. The effects of climate change go far beyond surfing and although this article is satire, the critical importance and threat that it poses to all that we love about life on Earth can not be overstated. Overall, I’m just really missing surfing because it’s been so flat on Oahu this summer that it made me come up with the idea for this article, which although intended to be entertaining, may not be appropriate to joke about and I’m sorry if I offended anyone.